5 min read

Why don't I miss anything?

I'm not missing things during the pandemic. Why? [issue 67]
Why don't I miss anything?

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Why don't I miss things?

Often I bump into a radio show, article, podcast conversation or tweet where someone says “I can’t wait to... after lockdown.” Every time I think “I’m fine. There’s nothing I’m going to rush out and do.” It’s strange. There are things I enjoy when I do them but I don’t miss them.

There’s an article on the Echo that is absurd. People miss small talk? Going to the doctors? I can only assume it’s generic content for Google because people can’t really miss those things. I’m listening to BBC 6 Music and people want to go shopping, to beer gardens, to the library and so on. I’m fine?

I’ve been trying to figure out why. Do I have everything I need? Maybe? I don’t have everything I want but that is a different question. I have space to walk, run, cycle, swim and views to enjoy outside. Ever changing views that keep me engaged. I have things to take photos of and video games to play. There is new content to watch and podcasts to listen to. I’m fine?

Why? If I was fine why would I be thinking that I’m not? Simple comparison to others? My brain goes negative rather than positive. I feel like there’s something wrong with me rather than something ok with me. I should be glad I don’t need to get back into the world and be ok with home life. I should be drawing positives from this and smugly lording my okness over others (nah).

It’s ok to not be ok. Am I not ok or am I ok? Is it ok to be ok? My brain says no. Why don’t I miss things? If I had the vaccine today what would I do tomorrow? The same thing I currently do every day. Try to bake over the world!

I ask myself whether I miss things or whether my brain is in an emotionless state preventing me from feeling anything? Am I triggered by others so quickly that my brain shutdowns and I can’t connect a memory to the emotion of missing something? I genuinely don’t know. I think back to memories of walking around Paris, beaches of Croatia, watching the world go by on a train and buying real chocolate eclairs. I am aware of those memories yet there is no feeling there. If you beamed me to my beach in Croatia I would have a lovely time and I wouldn’t want to leave I’m sure. So why don’t I miss it?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Do I not have a heart? There is a cliche that autistic people are robots. The portrayal of Spock on Star Trek could be based on an autistic person. I certainly have my Spock like moments where logic is the best way forward and emotion is confusing nonsense that should be ignored. Is this one of those moments? I can’t say. I can say that I do feel and emote. I emoted last night and had fun watching and engaging on Twitch talking about visiting Venice. I enjoyed listening to music and eating cookies. I am not a robot. I am simply different.

So if I have emotions where are they? Why don’t I miss things? Am I so easily distracted by a new thought to explore that I don’t have time to miss something? No I’m not sure that’s it either. If I sit down and really try to think about tomorrow then I can’t. There’s nothing coming to mind.

I certainly get FOMO when I see something going on. I know if I don’t attend something with my camera that I will feel like I missed out. That is more regret than missing something. I never had it and now I really want it. Classic FOMO. I don’t miss that... I think.

Argh! Why don’t I miss? Why can I remember but not connect? I don’t feel depressed. I don’t think it’s that. In a way it feels more like if I don’t do something for a while then the connection breaks and is only reconnected when I repeat the activity. “Oh I missed this.” I didn’t but upon engaging with the thing I realised I did. What is that?

When you’ve been diagnosed with mental health conditions and also diagnosed as autistic it can be complicated trying to figure out what is causing issues. I genuinely have no idea why I feel disconnected from missing things. Autism? Depression? I should simply accept this as who I am and be grateful that I’m not crying everyday over things I’ve lost. Problem is I have anxiety issues. Worriers going to worry.


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